Help This Person - Three Words That Will Transform Your Career
Every time you encounter another person, three words should be in your mind: help this person. It's not altruistic. Nothing else can so quickly supercharge your career and improve the quality of your life.
When you walk into Starbucks for a coffee, think help this person about the barista who serves you. Instead of being frustrated that he isn't moving fast enough, see if you can make him smile. Better yet, tell him to keep the change.
When the phone rings on a busy day, don't get frustrated by the interruption. Instead, think help this person while you answer the phone. Doing so will change your demeanor, your thought process, and the entire interaction.
If you have a subordinate who isn't pulling her weight, instead of criticizing her, every time you see her think help this person. This doesn't mean let her slide, or ignore her shortcomings. It means help her either improve her skills or find a position better suited to her strengths. But don't just brush her aside; really help her.
This is incredibly difficult for many of us, including me. It's so easy to slip into Hurried Disgruntled mode and be critical or annoyed or impatient. But doing so harms yourself and the people around you. Being irritated seldom solves anything, and it certainly won't win you any friends.
So think help this person. Always.
But wait a minute – I know what some of you are thinking. What about the people who take credit for other people's work? What about the rich and powerful who have gotten that way by crushing others? Doesn't their success prove me wrong?
Not at all. Sure, there are some people who take the exact opposite strategy.
But it takes real skill and focus to succeed by being evil, and most of us just don't have the fortitude to pull it off.
For those of us with a soul and a heart, the only real choice is to succeed by helping others.
By always thinking help this person, you will change the ways that others perceive you. There is no faster or more effective way to change your interactions and relationships.
People will think you are more perceptive, attentive and understanding... because you will be more perceptive, attentive and understanding.
That's why this way of thinking is not altruistic; it is selfish, in the best sense of the word. The single best way to help yourself is to always be looking for ways to help other people. Yes, you will be making the world a better place, and in the course of your life you will help many thousands of people. But don't do it because you ought to, or because it's the "right" thing to do.
Think help this person because it is the single best way to help others while you also help yourself.
**
The Best Talent Is Bringing Out Talent in Others
Originally published in Wharton Magazine
When I was at Wharton, a successful entrepreneur told my class, “A superior leader is a person who can bring ordinary people together to achieve extraordinary results.”
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that his lesson works for everybody, not just leaders. It works in all walks of life, whether you are able to help a friend, guide a student or nudge a neighbor in the right direction.
Three years ago, seeking to find a better balance between my work and personal lives, I set out to formulate a simple credo that would guide my actions 365 days a year. A big part of my motivation was the desire to help others in a meaningful way. I came up with this sentence:
Be generous and expert, trustworthy and clear, open-minded and adaptable, persistent and present.
At first, I simply lived with these words, noting how they pushed me to be a bit kinder and a bit less concerned about being “right.” But they quickly found their way into my writings, and recently, I’ve shared them in talks at places as diverse as Wesleyan University in Middletown, Connecticut and a Web/marketing conference in Bend, Oregon.
One woman in Bend confessed that she was crying during my presentation, because it had been years since anyone in business had taken the time to sincerely express an interest in the needs of other people, outside of a sales conversation. She was in the process of reinventing her career—again—and she very much needed support and understanding.
When I’m in front of an audience, I can see in the eyes of various attendees that they are desperate to find more meaning in their careers and their lives. Getting ahead, or going it alone, isn’t enough. They want to feel as though they are “in it together” with others, rather than on board until some or all of us get laid off.
Let me break down my simple little sentence for you:
Generous means to help others long before—and after—you need their help.
Expert means to be competent in one or more areas that others value and to use this expertise to benefit others.
Trustworthy means to be a person who stands behind others, especially in tough times.
Clear means to help people clarify what they want and also help them express this in a simple and straightforward manner.
Open-minded means never stop listening and learning and make it easier for others to do the same.
Adaptable means sharing one of the most valuable insights anyone can gain, which is that we all have a greater ability to change our situations than it often seems.
Persistent means to help people even when it is hard, and they don’t immediately succeed.
Present means to set your thoughts and agenda aside so that you can listen to others and prove that they are important to you.
Let me give you a few examples of how these words translate into action.
To be generous, I follow two simple practices. First, every time I interact with another person, I put the words, “Help this person” into my head. This is true when the phone rings, when someone walks into my office or when I’m chatting at a happy hour. These three words are enough to shift my mindset from my thoughts and goals, to focus on what I can do to enrich the other person’s day. I can’t prove it, but my sense is that having these three words in your mind changes the way others perceive you, because they change the way you interact with others.
To also be generous, I put “kindness” first on my to-do list. I start each day by doing something kind for another person. This might mean introducing two special people to each other or sharing a superb article by a writer who hasn’t yet received the attention she or he deserves.
To be adaptable, I keep in mind a lesson I learned in Management 101 from Kenwyn Smith, professor of organizational behavior at the University of Pennsylvania, which is that no matter how high you rise on the ladder, you still feel caught in the middle between various forces. As a result, people tend to underestimate their ability to effect change. Professor Smith taught me that we can make change happen, as long as we are willing to pay the price of that change. Sharing this lesson with others, I help them muster the energy and motivation to improve their circumstances.
One last example: The single best way to empower another person is to empty your mind (and agenda) to listen to him or her. I don’t mean listen in a half-hearted, distracted manner. I mean listen as though nothing else in the world matters to you. When you do this, you start to understand what really makes the other person tick. Often times, you can also pick up on what they aren’t saying and for what reason.
Whether or not you adopt my sentence—and I urge you to consider doing so—please keep in mind this important lesson: the best talent of all is bringing out talent in other people.
**
Simple Truths Your Boss Won’t Tell You
"I'm powerless, too." It's tempting to think your boss - or his boss, or her boss - has all the power. That's not how it feels to them. Everyone feels stuck in the middle. Even your CEO must contend with the board, investors, regulators, and the media.
"You confuse me." From time to time, you say or do things that baffle your boss, and probably the people around you. Perhaps you weren't paying attention until you had to speak. Perhaps you spoke without thinking, or without fully appreciating the gravity of the situation.
If this happens occasionally, no big deal. If it happens routinely, that's a problem. Watch for that look in people's eyes that says, "Huh?" It usually surfaces months before you get official notice of your tenuous status.
"You gotta do something I can't live without." To be secure in today's workforce, you must have a skill that your boss values enough to pay for it. If you lack such a skill, do nothing else until you master one.
But once you do this, people will want you to use that skill again and again and again. If you keep doing this, you will eventually get bored and you will never increase your value in the marketplace. So after you master one skill, learn another on the side, until people are willing to pay you more to use that one.
"Don't undermine your own value." If you love your job so much you would gladly do it for free, it might be best to not to mention this.
"Without confidence, your competence will be wasted." Do whatever it takes to build self-confidence, even if it means confronting your worst fears. The popular press is filled with potential tactics: fake it until you make it; adopt power postures; use self-affirmations; build a support group.
The truth is that people are different, so find a tactic that works for you. But don't waste your talent because you don't value it as much as others would if they could see it clearly.
"You have it really easy." Your worst fears are nothing compared to what some people face each day just to find clean drinking water and enough food. Even if you are underpaid, overworked, and under-appreciated, you are blessed beyond belief compared to most human beings.
"Half the stuff I say is nonsense." Your boss is besieged by the same forces as the rest of us. Budgets shift, bureaucracy wins, the economy varies, technology advances, and sometimes people just flat out change their minds. At best, your boss is perceptively navigating a difficult path. At worst, s/he is lost beyond your worst nightmare.
But either way, your boss is just another person. Show some compassion, and hope that s/he does the same for you.
**
Never Tell People What You Do
It's a simple question, and you've probably answered it hundreds of times. "What do you do?" If you're like most people, you probably get the answer dead wrong.
Your standard reply is probably a factual description of your current job.
The right answer is: what you WANT to do.
The best way to pick up this habit is to take a trip to Los Angeles. Ask your cab driver what he does. "I'm a screenwriter," he could say, "Working on a thriller about two school children who stumble onto a plot to blow up the Hoover Dam."
When you go out to dinner, ask the same question of your waitress. The odds are 50/50 she'll say, "I'm an actress."
24-year-old interns are "directors". 44-year-old ad agency execs are "producers". Everyone talks about their aspirations, not what paid the rent this month.
Now some may argue that Los Angeles is La La Land, and there is nothing to be learned from people who are dreaming big and perhaps spinning their wheels. But I disagree.
You are probably much closer to your goals than an aspiring Hollywood actor. The main thing standing in your way is your willingness to say what you want.
Since you are probably reading this on LinkedIn, here's a quick and easy way to test my theory. Click over to your profile and check out your Summary. Which of the following does it describe?
a. What you've done
b. What you want to do
One of the main purposes of LinkedIn is to help you discover career opportunities, so you might guess that this is the one place where people say what they want to do.
You would be wrong.
Most people say what they have done.
I'm not telling you to lie. I'm telling you to be bold enough to tell people what you want. Your resume says what you've done. That's in the past.
When I was in the training business, an executive asked one of my colleagues whether we had a two-day training program customized for his industry. "Yes, we do," said my colleague, who then spent the weekend creating such a program. He combined initiative, imagination and effort... and won a new client.
The happiest and most successful people nearly always have a sense of what they want to do next, or of how they wish to grow. They are able to say where they are headed, instead of where they have been the past few years. If you met Elon Musk, I bet he wouldn't talk much about Paypal; he would probably tell you about how he plans to make space flight routine.
Whenever humanly possible, say what you want, not what you do.
**
If Your CEO Talks Like This— Quit
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's how to spot a CEO who is in over his or her head: they still think business is a zero-sum game in which you try to screw everyone else. You can tell such leaders because they often give speeches according to this crude formula:
To help you spot such nonsense, here's a sample speech from an imaginary win-at-all-costs leader:
"We aim to be the best. Not good, not great. The best. If even one company is better than us, then you and I and everyone else on my team will have failed.
"Long ago, I played football. One day, after a long practice, the coach told us we were winners, but we were acting like losers. Coach said he was embarrassed to see great young men who were so blind to their own potential. He just walked off the field and got right into his car. He didn't even bother to bring his gear into his office; it was as though he couldn't wait to get away from us.
"You know what happened that weekend? We beat the other team 72-3. It was the largest margin of victory in the history of our state. It was my proudest moment.
"Some say winning isn't everything. You know who says that? Losers.
"I'm here to tell you that winning is how you know that your hard work and efforts have paid off. Unless you are able to triumph over others, you don't know the measure of your heart and soul.
"We live in a changing world, which means a lot of stuff is changing at once. Some call this exponential change, but I just call it confusing. I have business performance experts who toss a lot of metrics around about net this and gross that, but most of it still sounds like gobbledygook to me. The only moments of shared clarity we ever have are when we win a clear victory.
"If your division generates more revenue than any of its competitors, you win.
"If you outsell all the other sales people, you win.
"If you design a new product that beats the old product two to one, you win.
"But if you walk into my office and tell me you worked really hard, but the people in quality control did a lousy job, and the pricing team got over-aggressive, and the El Nino caused headwinds that slowed our deliveries... and this is why your sales were flat... well, then in my book you are a loser, and losers don't work here.
"Know how I got to be CEO? I beat out 27 others for the job. It may not be politically correct to say this, but it's true. 27 isn't just a number I invented. Over the years, every time a significant competitor emerged, I took note. I planned my strategy for triumphing over him. Truth be told, I got lucky, because a few of those guys had the toughness to outlast me, but when the ball bounced my way, I grabbed it with both hands.
"You need to do the same. Study your competitors. Find their weaknesses. Strengthen your own strengths. Be fierce and relentless.
"Winning is our only mission. Either win, or get out."
**
Do NOT Teach a Starving Man to Fish
You've heard this old saying before: give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. You may even be nodding your head in agreement right now. Sorry— this saying is all wrong.
When a person is starving, that's not the time to fill their head with knowledge. The right thing to do is to first give the person a fish - banishing their hunger - and only then teach them to fish.
Far too often, people ignore this common sense first step. They see someone who is struggling, and they rush to offer wisdom. "Let me tell you what I'd do in your position," a well-meaning individual might offer.
But few of us understand the anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty that comes with overwhelming need. People in the midst of personal disasters are reeling. They can't think straight. Their nerves may be shot. Their confidence may be non-existent.
We all know affluent, outwardly successful professionals who lack confidence and - at least temporarily - the ability to think straight. Can you imagine how people must feel in the midst of outright failure?
Rushing to offer a struggling person long-term advice is a waste of time.
Instead, it makes far more sense to help them regain their equilibrium. Once this happens... once their ears, heart and mind open, then you have an opportunity to teach a new skill.
What does it take to decide whether a person needs a fish before a fishing lesson? Two things:
1.) The ability to pay attention: Is the other person open and receptive, or looking at the world through narrowed eyes that tip off just how terrified they feel inside? You can't just take their words at face value, because claiming to be alright is a basic survival skill. You have to look at how the person acts and what they don't say.
2.) Empathy: The more successful you are, the harder it is to imagine what it must be like to be the opposite.
By the way, don't trust everything you read on the Internet, where the "give a man a fish" saying is attributed to everyone except my Uncle Nathan.
**
Honesty without Compassion Is Cruelty
While in a meeting several years ago, I saw the words "honesty without compassion is cruelty" posted above the other person's desk. It so struck me that I paused the conversation for a moment to absorb the intent.
People like to say that honesty is the best policy, and many segments of society are increasingly focused on getting at the truth. Schools are obsessed with standardized tests. Companies want better metrics to measure, well, everything. Nearly everyone is connected to everyone else... and these connections produce data that provide an honest picture of reality.
I'm worried that these honest snapshots of the truth could lead us to a far crueler world.
For example, think about the last couple of years and ask yourself whether our public discourse is getting kinder or harsher?
(I rest my case.)
In a civilized world, honesty and compassion need to go hand in hand. You must use honesty to help other people, not to hurt them. And you must be extremely cautious not to accidentally harm others.
When you meet up with a friend you haven't seen in a year, you wouldn't immediately say, "You are 17 pounds heaver than you were last year."
Why not?
Doing so would be tactless and cruel, so instead you say something like, "It is so great to see you again," while you might think to yourself that your friend looks a bit on the heavy side.
Technology allows us to gather massive amounts of data on human beings. If you take a test online, a system is theoretically capable of not only revealing how many answers you got correct, but also whether it took you more time (or less) to take the test versus others.
You don't need to know that you were slower than 42% of the people who took that test... and neither does anyone else.
If we are going to gather more data about our collective lives, we will also need to muster more compassion.
What can you do to move us in the right direction?
Be discreet. Resist the movement to document every aspect of your work or personal life. There are true advantages to preserving gray areas in which people can let their hair down and relax.
Be human. Recognize that humanity is more important than the absolute truth. Use facts to help another improve his or her life, rather than to do something that might destroy their life.
Be cautious. Recognize that the "truth" is always subjective. Each of us sees "facts" through a haze of beliefs, attitudes and experiences. No single test can judge the worth or potential of another human being.
Be generous. Ask more of yourself. The best skill is bringing out talent in others, so rather than judging others, do your best to help them.