Three Words That Will Transform Your Career
by Bruce Kasanoff
Every time you encounter another person, think: help this person. It's not altruistic. Nothing else can so quickly supercharge your career and improve the quality of your life.
When you walk into Starbucks for a coffee, think help this person about the barista who serves you. Instead of being frustrated that he isn't moving fast enough, see if you can make him smile. Better yet, tell him to keep the change.
When the phone rings on a busy day, don't get frustrated by the interruption. Think help this person while you answer the phone. Doing so will change your demeanor, your thought process, and the entire interaction.
If you have a subordinate who isn't pulling her weight, instead of criticizing her, every time you see her think help this person. This doesn't mean let her slide, or ignore her shortcomings. It means help her either improve her skills or find a position better suited to her strengths. But don't just brush her aside; really help her.
But wait a minute – I know what some of you are thinking. What about the people who take credit for other people's work? What about the rich and powerful who have gotten that way by crushing others? Doesn't their success prove me wrong?
Not at all. Sure, there are some people who take the exact opposite strategy. But it takes real skill and focus to succeed by being evil, and most of us just don't have the fortitude to pull it off. For those of us with a soul and a heart, the only real choice is to succeed by helping others.
By first thinking help this person, you will change the ways that others perceive you. There is no faster or more effective way to change your interactions and relationships. You will be viewed as a positive, constructive, helpful and dependable person. People will think you are more perceptive, attentive and understanding.
That's why this way of thinking is not altruistic; it is selfish, in the best sense of the word. The single best way to help yourself is to always be looking for ways to help other people. Sure, you'll be making the world a better place, and in the course of your life you will help many thousands of people. But don't do it because you ought to, or because it's the "right" thing to do.
Think help this person because you're selfish and proud of it.
**
The Best Talent Is Bringing Out Talent in Others
by Bruce Kasanoff
For many years, my now 16-year-old son has been obsessed with becoming a general manager in the NHL. This is not a passing whim; it is a long-term goal that he continues to pursue.
In 2014, I mentioned this to a friend of mine (who I met through LinkedIn), Ron Bremner, former president of the NHL’s Calgary Flames and now a highly successful consultant and speaker. Ron had two instant reactions. First, he offered to help my son, which he did immediately. Second, he offered to introduce him to Craig Button, whom he had hired as GM in Calgary.
Craig is now a highly popular, very busy hockey broadcaster and analyst. He could have easily ignored my son, or failed to take him seriously.
That’s not what happened.
Instead, he wrote my son a 5,500-word email that answered questions my son, Matt, had emailed to both Ron and Craig.
Craig’s email was filled with some of the most profound advice I have even seen.
Most impressively, for each piece of advice he offered, Craig included multiple real-life examples. He could have simply have shared the message then moved on, but that would not have made nearly as big an impact on my son.
How do you bring out talent in young people? Take them seriously.
With Craig’s permission, I’m now going to highlight a few of his key messages. All portions in quotes are Craig’s words, not mine…
Don’t overreact to mistakes: “Mistakes happen in everyday life. In the vast majority of instances, people are not trying to make mistakes. But when mistakes do occur, it is when people feel most vulnerable. They are not always sure what the response to their mistake will be.”
Craig went on to give this example…
“Harry Sinden, a Hall-of-Fame member and a great Bruins’ executive, told me this about the great Raymond Bourque: Raymond makes two to three mistakes every game that are pretty significant and at times result in goals for the other team. But, he does 17 to 18 things every game that are pretty significant and help us win a lot of games. If I try to eliminate the two to three, I will also eliminate the 17 to 18 and that simply isn’t a good trade-off.”
Communicate with clarity: “If your internal communication is not good, then your external communication will continually be one of explaining and rationalizing negative events.”
In other words, you can’t be muddled within your organization, but clear and focused outside it. Craig gave an example of how during his days in Calgary, he tried to do the right thing and give a promising player plenty of notice that the team wouldn’t be able to give him a contract. But “because Ron Bremner had sent a letter of encouragement to the young man just weeks before, I embarrassed our President…”
He then told my son, Matt, a 14-year-old boy, “When you are an executive, it is incumbent upon you to ensure that communication is up, down and across and as clear and as timely as possible.”
I have witnessed Matt reading Craig’s letter repeatedly. It continues to mean the world to him that a famous broadcaster and NHL executive took his aspirations seriously. If not, he never would have described what to do “when you are an executive.”
Owners are fans, too: “When I began working at the NHL Network, the executive producer told me that it’s really simple: the fans of the winning team want to know why their team won and the fans of the losing team want to know why their team lost.
“It’s no different as a GM and that message has to be relayed to the President and Ownership because let’s not forget, they are fans also.”
Craig explained to Matt that GMs hold a great deal of power and that you will need to make a conscious decision how to wield this power.
“Players always know what they need or don’t need but they are not going to tell you. They know who helps the team, they know who hinders the team and it’s your job as GM to make the changes necessary to help the players achieve their goals, and thus ultimately the team, to reach its objectives. If you make the wrong moves, your credibility as GM will be negatively impacted. Conversely, if you make the right moves, the confidence the players have in the GM will be heightened.’
Be ready to help… again and again: At the end of his extremely substantive document, Craig wrote this:
“I have left a lot to think about and take your time and digest it… circle back with me on further questions. This is a living, breathing organic document and I am learning every day so your goal of understanding what may be involved to become a GM is also helping reaffirm some of my thoughts and consider new ones.”
***
How did Matt react to Craig’s guidance? Here’s what he says, “It was the coolest thing ever. His words made my goal seem like an achievable possibility. I’ve read his document many, many times. For example, I often see events in the hockey world that originate with challenges Craig described, such as a failure of communications. When this happens, I go back and look at Craig’s email again. It gives me more insight into the game; it brings it closer to home.
“More importantly, it highlights the importance of hard work. If you go in at the bottom, you look for any job, any way to add value. That’s not a lesson for hockey. It applies to all life.”
Thank you, Craig and Ron, from both of us.
**
Your Kindness Will Lead You to Success
I am not impressed by someone’s ability to intimidate, cajole, persuade, manipulate, overpower or overwhelm others. No, what impresses me most are the people who have the ability to do these things, but who choose instead to let kindness lead them to success.
Once upon a time, a colleague of mine — frustrated by an assistant who couldn’t move as fast as he wanted — pulled her into his office andunleashedfive minutes of verbal abuse before he fired her.She ran out in tears, and he came out with a big smile.“That felt SO good,” he said.
He viewed this incident as a success. I saw this as evidence that he was kind to people only as long as they did exactly what he asked. Otherwise, he cared not one whit about them.
It’s easy to yell and threaten, but these behaviors are signs of weakness, not strength. Strong people don’t lose control of their emotions. Skilled fighters say that once you lose your temper, you have lost the fight. Your vision narrows and you become dangerously impulsive. If losing your temper is a weakness for fighters, it is a deadly flaw for professionals.
This week on LinkedIn, Heléna Kurçab wrote a comment on one of my articles:
One of the foundational quotes that continues to guide my life is by holocaust survivor Victor Frankl:
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
You don’t have a choice whether or not: the economy tanks, the stock market soars, your company is bought, your job is threatened, the biggest jerk in the world is promoted to be your boss, your best friend questions your ethics or your significant other truly loves you.
You only have a choice how you respond to such events.
To the degree that human beings have power, that power lies in our response. Sure, you can initiate change. But that’s the easy part. You decide to donate $50 to a charity like you have every year for the past ten. You sit down and write a check, then mail it. Easy-peasy.
But then you lose your job. Do you still donate $50 to charity? Maybe yes, maybe no. Perhaps you give them a week of your time instead… that would be a good outcome. Maybe you ignore their needs because you are too stressed out… that would be a bad outcome.
Kindness fosters more kindness. It opens eyes instead of closing them. It is contagious, and it feels wonderful.
Kindness does NOT equal weakness. Quite the contrary. It takes tremendous strength to be kind to someone who is slowing you down or who thinks differently than you do. But kindness bridges such gaps, and brings out the talent hidden in so many people.
Luis Benitez, who has 32 times summited the Seven Summits — the tallest mountains on each continent — told me that kindness and compassion are essential elements to overcome the horrible physical and mental challenges he encounters while climbing.
For example, if you see someone limping on a day when you have to reach the next camp, you can curse their weakness and ignore their pain, or you can stop for 20 minutes and bandage their feet so they can keep up with you for the rest of the climb.
By the way, that second strategy is not entirely altruistic. If a member of your party loses the ability to hike, your group may have to turn around. Stopping to help a colleague may be the fastest way to ensure you achieve your goals.
It takes discipline and foresight to break your stride to help another but helping a person close to you will almost always be in your long-term interest. Here’s a personal example…
Each day, in the #1 slot on my To Do list, I place “Kindness First.” Before I do anything else, I take at least one action that has no purpose other than to be kind to another person.
Here are some ways you could do the same:
Praise another person to his or her boss, peers, family or friends
Share someone’s contributions privately or publicly, such as via social media
Send a heartfelt thank you note
Offer assistance, whether that means teaching someone a new skill, or picking up items for them at the store, to save them a trip
Introduce two or more people who have mutual interests
Take the time to quietly, fully listen to another
Show compassion and empathy
Volunteer
Kindness First is the single best way to connect with other people and to lift my own spirits. The more unexpected my kindness, the more satisfaction I experience when offering it.
If this sounds like some sort of overly altruistic endeavor,I’d like to confess that, to me, thisKindness First strategy is one of the most selfish plans I’ve ever hatched. By reaching out to other people every single day, I strengthen my social network and — in effect — take out an insurance policy on my health and longevity.
The stronger your social connections, the happier and healthier you are likely to be. In my experience, strong social connections don’t come from asking people favors or manipulating them to get what you want. They come from being genuinely interested in other people, and from having an authentic interest in their well-being. It comes from being willing to help others. It comes from giving of yourself.
By being kind, you can find success. I have seen your future, and it is…
“From now on, your kindness will lead you to success.”
**
How to Be Ridiculously Positive
by Bruce Kasanoff
Pretty much every job in the world has its bad moments.
Super Bowl-winning quarterback? By the end of the season your ribs, shoulders, knees and arm are so sore you probably have trouble turning over in bed.
Brilliant inventor/entrepreneur? I recently heard Elon Musk on the radio and he sounded like he was in physical pain having to do another media interview. The only time he perked up was when the host asked him an engineering question, which hinted at what he really loves to do.
Nobel Prize-winning scientist? You have to labor for 20 to 40 years before (maybe, please, maybe) the world takes notice. You have to beg for grants and rely on an endless stream of graduate students.
Normal professional? At various times, you will be underpaid and overworked. You may be forced to work for an idiot, or to promote someone you really, truly don’t like. You may feel caught in the middle, or underappreciated.
Yeah, but... I've been pretty negative
The most likable people generate their own energy. Their attitude does not depend on everything going well and everyone being so grateful for their good work.
They are just positive because they are positive.
I know all the reasons this is hard. I know what it’s like to be grumpy, discouraged, and frustrated. I’ve had years in which nothing in my career seemed to be working. Was I positive the whole time?
No.
And that was probably a big part of the problem.
Kim Cameron, Associate Dean of Executive Education at the Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan, cites the power of the heliotropic effect. He writes:
This effect is defined as the tendency in all living systems toward that which gives life and away from that which depletes life—toward positive energy and away from negative energy. All living systems have an inclination toward the positive—for example, plants lean toward the light, people learn and remember positive information faster and better than negative information, positive words predominate over negative words in all languages, all life forms from bacteria to mammals possess an inclination toward positive energy—so strategies that capitalize on the positive similarly tend to produce life-giving, flourishing outcomes in individuals and organizations.
HINT: don’t fight a natural law.
Let’s consider the opposite of being positive. When you’re in a room filled with people and someone near you is whining, complaining, and generally criticizing or attacking others… what do you do?
My bet is that you move away from him or her.
Yes, you are basically one super-smart, highly mobile plant.
Henrik Edberg, author of The Positivity Blog, has a number of useful suggestions for how to stay positive, three of which I’d like to share here:
1. Find the optimistic viewpoint in a negative situation.
Henrik asks himself questions such as, “What is one thing that is positive or good about this situation?” There’s always some way to come up with a good answer to this question, even if the answer is: I’m going to be so happy when this day is over.
2. Cultivate and live in a positive environment.
This is one of my primary rules in life. Your environment always wins. If you hang out with nasty and sullen people, you will become nasty and sullen. If you work for a Machiavellian company, you will eventually operate in a Machiavellian manner.
3. Go slowly.
Most anger is impatience in disguise. The faster you act, the more likely you are to lose your temper or do something rash.
It takes patience and willpower to remain positive, calm and coherent in the face of difficult challenges.
**
You Attract What You Expect
You don't attract what you want... you attract what you expect.
“A farming community is facing one of the worst droughts in a decade,” writes Victoria Castle in The Trance of Scarcity. ”A few more days and the crops will be ruined, and everyone in town knows this will mean a very lean year for all of them. Someone decides the situation calls for desperate measures, and a town prayer meeting is called at the church.
“That evening, everyone shows up and squeezes into the sanctuary to pray for rain.
“Only one little girl brought an umbrella.
“You don’t attract what you want, or even what you deserve.” Castle concludes. “You attract what you expect.”
The book begins with a lovely concept: we all were born into a Circle of flow. In this Circle, we have satisfying relationships, meaningful work, inspired learning, laughter and creativity, plus endless resources and opportunities.
“In the Circle,” she writes, “Life is not a series of obstacles to overcome; it’s a steady flow of possibilities.”
To me, the Circle represents a basic fact that most of us forget before the age of five: we are born connected to everyone and everything. We inhabit a world comprised not only by the 3D material world, but also by connections and interactions that we can feel but seldom see.
To access the Circle, we need to unlearn much of what we have been taught.
We need to unlearn all the reasons why we “can’t” feel peace, love, compassion or kindness.
We need to unlearn all the reasons why we “can’t” feel 100% comfortable in our own skin.
We need to unlearn all the self-limiting beliefs about ourself and our society that simply are not true.
As Castle puts it, “There’s no way to earn your way into the Circle because you already belong. Stepping into the Circle isn’t determined by your worthiness. It depends on your consent.
Let’s get specific to you.
You need to unlearn the perception that you lack enough time, talent, money, relationships, opportunity or motivation. Your natural state is one of incredible connections within a friendly universe.
Contrary to what you have been taught, the only thing that stops your universe from being friendly is your perception that it is not.
The 3D world is a tiny percentage of the reality we inhabit. If you believe that’s all there is, it’s easy to get discouraged by the news and social media the perception they create that negativity surrounds us.
In fact, abundance surrounds us. Unlearn everything that has taught you otherwise.
**
Feed Your Elephant First
by Bruce Kasanoff
The best advice is useless unless you actually follow it. Most people understand precisely what they must do to improve their life and/or strengthen their career, but yet they still don't do it.
If all you needed was wisdom, then self-improvement would work like this...
You: I’d like to lose 10 pounds.
Me: Eat less and exercise more.
(Three weeks later…)
Me: How much weight did you lose?
You: 10 pounds! Thank you!
Me: You’re welcome.
Life doesn’t work like this because—like most people—you probably have a remarkable ability to routinely forget the things that matter most to you, such as:
• Surpassing your business goals
• Being unflaggingly competent
• Demonstrating remarkable growth and grit
• Being in great shape, physically and emotionally
At this moment, you may understand my “eat less and exercise more” advice, but when you’ve had two drinks in a restaurant and are having a wonderful time with your friends, it’s nearly impossible to turn down desert. At times like this, you need something else that motivates you more—much more—than the lure of a sweet treat.
Try this: Imagine a 12-foot tall elephant that weighs over 10,000 pounds. It eats about 300 pounds of food a day, is very intelligent, and has an excellent memory.
If an elephant was following you around, you would not forget it. Why do you forget the right things to do each day?
Think of it this way: Every day you have to get up and feed an elephant... every day you have to get up and feed your dreams.
Imagine that one day you forget to feed your elephant, but you somehow still managed to survive the day. How comfortable will you be in the future, knowing that your 10,000-pound companion knows that you are not to be trusted?
Your dreams, aspirations and top goals are no less important than an elephant in your yard. If you forget to feed them, someday they will come back and exact revenge.
Here are eight ways to never, ever forget your elephant:
Make a list of what matters most to you. Put everything that matters on this list, such as being a loving spouse, raising healthy children, exploring the world, founding your own company, becoming Vice President, or retiring by the age of 52. If it's not on your list, it simply doesn't matter.
Organize your list: Depending on how your mind works, organize your list by one or more categories (work vs. home, or short vs long term, etc.). Don't rush this process. The more time you spend organizing your list, the deeper each item will sink into your mind.
Make your list pretty: Add pictures or nice fonts. Space it properly. You might print it on special paper.
Keep it handy: Keep a copy at work and at home. Add one to your wallet, purse, gym locker, workout bag, journal, and/or computer screen. Make it impossible to ignore.
Invest in your list: Spend enough money on your list that it hurts a bit. Have it engraved into metal, or transformed into a painting. Hire an artist or craftsman to help. Put your priorities on a stage so special you will never forget them.
Enlist support: Match each of your top priorities with other people who either share the same priority or are willing to support yours. If you have a significant other, use the same wording to capture your shared priorities. Do the same with colleagues and vendors. Approach other community members. Find a mentor, or volunteer to be one.
Keep score: Depending on the nature of each priority, set a specific cycle to review your progress. Every week or month should work for most of them.
Be scared... be very scared: My favorite Far Side cartoon pictures an elephant in a trench coat and fedora; he's lurking in a dark alley as his target approaches. I love the cartoon so much I once took the time to redraw it:
Apologies to Gary Larsen
This is your life. You only get one shot, and it's ridiculously easy to miss. Don't forget that elephant, because he's not going to forget you.
**
How to Stay Calm, No Matter What
by Bruce Kasanoff
Last month, I was pretty stressed out, thanks mostly to a seemingly endless stream of minor, but irritating, problems. It got so that I was reacting negatively almost immediately to each new development. Some people spend entire years in this state.
Fortunately, I realized what was happening and managed to disrupt that negative cycle of gloom and doom. Here’s how I did it, along with other proven tips for staying calm:
1. Dump the caffeine: For decades, I avoided caffeine altogether, but recently started drinking two ice teas per day, plus up to two bottle of BAI flavors, which also have caffeine. I quit cold turkey, preferring to suffer a headache for a few days than to remain stressed out and easily annoyed.
(True confession: see 2a below.)
2. Exercise: After years of resisting the fitness armband fad, I went out and bought three of them: one each for myself, my wife and our 15-year-old son. We immediately connected our accounts, which created an ongoing challenge to see who could a.) walk at least 10,000 steps per day, and b.) exercise more than the others.
In truth, I don’t need to “beat” my wife and son, but ever since all of us have increased our activity levels and crushed the 10k a day step level that experts say is the minimum needed to be healthy.
2a. It's now two weeks since I wrote the first draft of this article, and I've mountain biked every day since then. So I now allow myself an ice tea in the morning. Your goal should be calm, not crazy.
3. Goodbye 1 a.m. bedtime: I’m a night person, and love to fiddle around late at night when everyone has gone to sleep. The quiet gives me time to think and work, but going to sleep late just makes me an even worse morning person. More importantly, I don’t have time to exercise and get my work done unless I get up early…so hello early bedtime. I was in bed last night at 10:30 p.m. and started writing this article at 6 a.m.
But these first three tips are pretty basic, and I mention them only because they helped dig me out of a hole. The next three are more universal, and more impactful…
4. Anger = you lose: There are two types of Hollywood fight scenes. In one, the main character gets mad and triumphs over a stronger opponent. In the other, the opponent gets mad and the main character wins. The second is far more realistic.
Once you lose your temper, you are in danger. You grow rash and stupid. Your vision narrows. You become easy prey for anyone who wants to defeat you.
In tough times, you must keep this truth in the front of your mind. Once you give in to anger, you lose. Don’t let others bait you, push your buttons, or simply annoy you with their ineptitude.
Ask yourself this. “Who is in charge, my brain or my emotions?”
5. React slowly: I watch stressed out people respond immediately to every text message, email and phone call that annoys them. In many cases, you can’t even say, “Could we take a second to talk?” before they blast out a reply.
That is an absurd, crazed habit.
Remember no. 4. Take your time. Let others wait, even when they claim they have no time to wait. Focus on your goals. Focus on staying calm and in control. It is nearly always better to be intelligent than instant.
6. Ask Yourself “Why?”: Before you make difficult decisions, ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?
Are you reacting on the basis of ego (“they don’t know who they’re dealing with”)?
Are you simply making the same decision you’ve made ten times before, without considering whether those past decisions got results that made you happy?
Be sure to make decisions because they are the right path to your long-term goals. Remain true to your personal and professional values. Listen to the people whose opinions you most respect.
**
When You Make a Mess, Have Fun Cleaning It Up
by Bruce Kasanoff
One morning last week, I made myself a bowl of oatmeal, poured an iced tea, and headed towards my home office. But I was already preoccupied with work and not really paying attention. My toe caught the edge of the second step. Wham! Oatmeal and tea splattered everywhere.
At 7:58:01 I was excited about a great new idea. At 7:58:31 I was mopping up a mess.
This is a trivial example, but it’s also the way life is. Fresh out of business school, I took a job with Citibank and headed to Europe to travel for a month before joining the workforce. While I was away, the division that hired me shut down, and I lost my job before it started.
Fortunately, things also work in unexpectedly positive ways. I found the best job of my career by answering an ad that Seth Godin placed in the New York Times. His ad said, “Before you come to our open house, read The One to One Future by Don Peppers and Martha Rogers.”
I bought the book on the way to Seth’s event, intending to skim it in his parking lot, but ended up reading almost the whole book in my car. Weeks later, I was working for Don and Martha’s company.
You walk through one door and a bucket of water falls on your head. You walk through another and someone doubles your salary. (Of course, most times when you walk through a door, you simply enter another room.)
Since people don’t like uncertainty, many of us delude ourselves that we know what’s on the other side of each door through which we pass.
This, of course, is wrong.
Once you understand this, you end up with only two logical strategies:
1. When you fail, act as though success is following close behind: Don’t give up or give into self-pity. Don’t accept that your fate is bleak or hopeless. Just dig in and work your way back towards the light.
In real life, many people get worn down by adversity. They start to believe that their fate is to do badly. Your fate is what you believe it to be, so never accept this conclusion.
2. When you succeed, act as though failure is following close behind: If and when you get to the top of the mountain, do not scream, “I’m king (or queen) of the mountain!” Be as nice to people as when you were working your way up from the bottom. Be cautious with your newly-earned gains. Recognize that this, too, shall pass.
In real life, people love to believe that they are 100% responsible for their success. Not true.
The people around you are largely responsible for your success; never, ever forget that.
My favorite saying, which comes in many slightly different forms, is this: Gain your pleasure from the journey itself, not from some distant destination.
Don’t let your happiness depend on a perfect outcome to your day, year, or decade.
In other words, when you spill your oatmeal, have fun cleaning it up.
**
Do NOT Teach a Starving Man to Fish!
by Bruce Kasanoff
You've heard this old saying before: give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. You may even be nodding your head in agreement right now. Sorry— this saying is all wrong.
When a person is starving, that's not the time to fill their head with knowledge. The right thing to do is to first give the person a fish - banishing their hunger - and only then teach them to fish.
Far too often, people ignore this common sense first step. They see someone who is struggling, and they rush to offer wisdom. "Let me tell you what I'd do in your position," a well-meaning individual might offer.
But few of us understand the anxiety, confusion, and uncertainty that comes with overwhelming need. People in the midst of personal disasters are reeling. They can't think straight. Their nerves may be shot. Their confidence may be non-existent.
We all know affluent, outwardly successful professionals who lack confidence and - at least temporarily - the ability to think straight. Can you imagine how people must feel in the midst of outright failure?
Rushing to offer a struggling person long-term advice is a waste of time.
Instead, it makes far more sense to help them regain their equilibrium. Once this happens... once their ears, heart and mind open, then you have an opportunity to teach a new skill.
What does it take to decide whether a person needs a fish before a fishing lesson? Two things:
1.) The ability to pay attention: Is the other person open and receptive, or looking at the world through narrowed eyes that tip off just how terrified they feel inside? You can't just take their words at face value, because claiming to be alright is a basic survival skill. You have to look at how the person acts and what they don't say.
2.) Empathy: The more successful you are, the harder it is to imagine what it must be like to be the opposite.
By the way, don't trust everything you read on the Internet, where the "give a man a fish" saying is attributed to everyone except my Uncle Nathan.
**
More Ways to Be Ridiculously Likable
by Bruce Kasanoff
Gimme one second… wait… I know I should be opening this article, but my son just texted me and… let me see… why is this so complicated?… I just want to check the movie times… no, I don’t want Bridgeport, I want Norwalk – why doesn’t this website know my preferences by now?… Okay… Okay… Got it. Now, where were we?
Did I just make you feel important?
No.
Chances are, through my inattention, I inadvertently gave you the impression that you don’t matter to me.
That’s what happens when you don’t pay attention. If you’re like most people, you mess up a lot of career opportunities because you don’t pay attention. You accidentally slight or outright insult others, without even knowing it.
For example, if you’re shy, colleagues may think you are aloof or cold.
There is a selfish, personal aspect to likability. We tend not to like people who don’t like us. Call this petty or immature, but it’s true.
I’d argue that if a person you initially dislike gives you enough sincere personal attention, you probably will grow to like them a bit more. If you already like someone, this sort of personal attention will further strengthen your feelings.
Here’s the problem: for many of us, inattention runs rampant. We mistakenly believe that we can multitask. If you believe this to be true, try juggling three balls while also having an intense, personal conversation. I’m not making an analogy here; I literally mean: try juggling three balls.
You can’t do it. Sure, you can pay vague attention to another person while checking your text messages or thinking about what to eat for dinner, but you can’t maintain the sort of intense personal focus that makes you likable.
By the way, the image I used at the top of this piece is eye-catching, but it appears to suggest that the path to likability is to... hypnotize (?) others. Obviously, that's not true. But the right path does require similar focus. Be interested in them, rather than in getting them to do something.
Truth be told, this requires a bit of practice. You want to pay attention, but not overwhelm people. Here are three simple ways to get started:
1. Listen more than you talk.
Being with someone is not the same thing as paying attention. I have a few friends who can spend an hour in a room with me and never once ask a single question about my life, experiences or perceptions.
2. Ask questions that prove you are listening.
To prove that you understand what someone is saying, ask questions that build on the points they are making. For example, if you and I were talking right now, you might say, “So by not paying attention, I’m making myself less likable, right?”
Yep, that’s it exactly.
3. Dig deeper.
If you want to have 100 discussions about the weather each week, stick with superficial questions. Personally, this bores me to tears. I’d much rather ask questions that surprise you and make you think, such as, “Besides money, what stops you from quitting your job and taking a year to travel the world?”
Being genuinely curious about another person’s life makes you more appealing. The same is true when you’re looking for a job… the best way to ace an interview is to do your research in advance and deeply understand the interviewer’s business.
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Never Make the Mistake of Thinking You Lack Creativity
A few years ago, one of my readers, Meshack Vallesillas, helped me to see that for many decades, I had been underselling my own skills. Perhaps I can now perform the same service for you.
Meshack sent me a link to an article he had written. Describing his own struggles to be creative, he said, “(I finally) understood that anything you might consider ‘art’ is made up of two parts; creativity and craft. The craft is the artistic skill to make the art, while creativity is the spark of life or the ingenuity behind it.”
He continued, “That also made me understand that when someone says they aren’t creative, they are mistaking creativity for craft.”
Bingo.
Craft is how you do stuff. It is the byproduct of working hour after hour, week after week, year after year. It is something you acquire by learning a skill.
If you want to develop your craft, put in your time.
Creativity is the way in which you use craft.
You can be creative without being a great craftsperson.
Meshack argued, “The need to be creative is part of being human. It’s a need we all have, and a need that must be fulfilled for us to find engagement in our work, in our relationships, in our lives.”
Think you aren’t creative? You probably just lack the craft.
For decades, my perception was that I lacked any artistic creativity whatsoever: I can’t paint, and can barely draw. Then the world changed. It’s now easy, inexpensive, or even free to access art that other people have created.
Today, I can use words to create art via DALL-E and Midjourney. I have also learned to use the digital design platform, Sketch, to create a wide range of images and designs. All of these shift the emphasis from craft to creativity.
This experience has taught me that huge portions of the human race have untapped creativity. Combine them with people who possess craft, and watch amazing innovations emerge. By the same token, if you take people who possess great craft and combine them with people from different backgrounds and perspectives, the same wonderful results will emerge.
Andy Warhol was a famous artist, but by most accounts, he basically operated a factory in which other artists created “his” art; Andy was the idea guy. He mixed his creativity with other people’s craft.
Never make the mistake of thinking you are not creative. If you have this perception, seek out others with the craft to help you express your best ideas.
I am Bruce Kasanoff, an executive coach who can help you get what you want. Book a one-hour call with me and I’ll prove it.