Real people are complex; fake people are not.
Real people have emotions, make mistakes, get lucky, do a bunch of things right and travel through this lifetime on a path that looks like a squiggly line.
If you want other people to relate to you (and vice versa), be real. Be authentic.
In his now classic 1990 work, Psychological Conditions of Personal Engagement and Disengagement at Work, psychologist William Kahn made the case that three psychological conditions—when present—encouraged individuals to fully engage at work.
These psychological conditions were:
Meaningfulness: How meaningful is it for me to bring myself into this performance?
Safety: How safe is it to do so?
Availability: How available am I to do so?
In the ensuring years, psychological safety has come to be applied by many as a corporate culture in which individuals feel comfortable displaying their genuine self at work. This has led me to create a two-part definition of what it means to be a genuine leader:
1. Being true to your own self in how you communicate and act at work.
2. Creating the conditions that not only allow, but also encourage, your employees to do the same.
Back in 1990, we were still communicating via fax machines and written memos. Today, we use social media and smartphones. This shift has encouraged many to “curate” the opposite of a genuine self. Our business world is filled with “influencers” who create a perceived standard that is nearly impossible to maintain in reality, even for the influencers themselves.
To be a leader who is true to his or her own self—and to encourage others to do the same—requires a commitment to be genuine that extends from social media to personal interactions to performance measurement and compensation and finally to corporate culture itself.
This implies that being genuine is more important than any specific set of desired behaviors. As Wharton researcher Julianna Pillemer writes, “There may be clear organizational expectations for desired behaviors, and there’s a potential downside to acting in a way that’s actually genuine.”
Pillemer cites a consultant friend who perfectly encapsulated this challenge by saying, “Now not only do I have to deliver a perfectly polished presentation, but then go out for drinks with the client, seem like a really fun, genuine person, and tell them all about my life.”
The way out of this perceived trap revolves around a single word: to be genuine rather than to seem genuine.
It means being honest about your flaws as well as your strengths.
It means asking for help instead of simply trying to be the smartest person in the room.
For leaders, it means rewarding honesty and credibility rather than adherence to what a leader wants to hear.
In 2003, Bill George wrote Authentic Leadership. At the time, he defined authentic leaders as being genuine, moral and character-based. Writing in 2015 for Harvard Business School’s Working Knowledge, he looked back and observed, “If you want to be an authentic leader and have a meaningful life, you need to do the difficult inner work to develop yourself, have a strong moral compass based on your beliefs and values, and work on problems that matter to you. When you look back on your life it may not be perfect, but it will be authentically yours.”
I couldn’t agree more, and I like to take this one step further: one of the best ways to “do the difficult inner work to develop yourself” is to use social media in a genuine manner. No other outlet enables leaders to provide a window into their thoughts, experiences, perceptions and development.
Social media, used properly, allows a leader to model what it means to be genuine. “Properly” means sharing the good as well as the bad, embarrassing moments as well as those that make you proud, and what keeps you up at night as well as your latest insight.
I find it especially interesting that what William Kahn wrote three decades ago so closely parallels what millennials seem to desire today: work that has purpose, is true to their actual selves, and that fits the lives they want to have.
It is so very tiring and draining to appear to be something that we are not. Being genuine is a brilliant career strategy not only because it cuts to the heart of how most of us would love to live, but also because it allows us to bring so much more energy and passion to our daily lives.
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Wharton professor Adam Grant wrote that people who are perceived as “highly authentic—they know and express their genuine selves... receive significantly lower performance evaluations and are significantly less likely to get promoted into leadership roles.”
So does that mean it pays to be inauthentic? Not at all.
It pays to be yourself, but only if you do it in a manner that is both respectful of the people around you and of service to them.
To illustrate my point, let’s consider Bill versus Bob.
Bill has no filter. If he feels it, he says it... even if that means interrupting someone else. He’s a talented designer, but his talent often gets obscured by his lack of impulse control. In a conference room packed with 15 people, he hissed at a subordinate, “That’s one of the worst pieces of work I’ve ever seen. It makes my skin crawl!”
Bob is a deeply passionate person. He’s driven, ambitious and highly creative. But he also has a strong set of core values, and the top two are to be of service to others and to always treat others with respect. He can be himself without being offensive. He can bite his tongue long enough to actually listen to others, even when they disagree with him.
Both Bill and Bob feel that they are bringing their true selves to work, but only Bob does it in a manner that recognizes he is not the only person in the world that matters.
Just as with everything in life, there is a price to be paid to get what you want. If you want to bring your true self to work, the price is to be respectful and to serve others. Here’s why.
Being respectful: My view of being respectful is that it is all about how you conduct yourself; it is not the metric by which you rate other people. You can be polite, courteous and even kind to someone who is ignorant. You can show compassion to someone who is immature and even mean.
As my friend Lonnie Mayne observes, everyone has a story, and you don’t know why another person acts the way s/he does. Maybe they grew up without parents, or love, or even enough food. Maybe they were the victim of abuse. Maybe they—just moments ago—received truly horrific news.
Being respectful should not be conditional on the other person passing your test. Such behavior says more about you than anything else, and it sends a signal to others that—no matter what—they can be themselves in your presence.
Not everyone agrees with me. In response to a post I shared about respect on LinkedIn, a reader responded, “I'll never respect racists, homophobes, misogynists, or anyone who disrespects others...” Notice that he included “or disrespects others.” This simply creates a cycle of negativity. It says: if you don’t meet my standards, you don’t deserve my respect.
The problem is we have many different standards. Intelligent people disagree on many subjects.
No matter who you are or what you believe, you can get along with others by simply being respectful. It won’t work 100% of the time, but it will come close.
Being of service: Over the years, I’ve learned to transform the ways that passionate, driven entrepreneurs communicate both on social media and in person with their stakeholders. All it takes is getting them to embrace a three-word principle: serve, don’t sell.
It means that:
Everything you share should be of service to others, even if they never do what you want
You should only share opinions and ideas with the intention to be of service
If you follow the two steps above, you will attract people who will enrich your career and life
Failure to follow this principle, perhaps more than anything else, is what causes “authentic” people to have the disappointing results Grant described. If you burst into my office and proceed to dump a 20-minute stream of consciousness diatribe into my lap, I will resent you. Why? Because nothing you shared was with the intention to help me.
Being yourself does not mean being all about yourself.
Now let’s turn things around. When you are both respectful and of service to others, people (and most organizations) give you more latitude to be yourself. This is because you add value and you bring out talent in others.
I won’t lie to you. The further away from societal norms you are, the longer it might take for others to “see” and accept your genuine self. But your fastest path to being fully accepted is to embrace these two principles.
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Never use “being yourself” as an excuse.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.”
― Bruce Lee
“You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?”
― Dr. Seuss
You can hardly read anything these days without coming across another article or quote imploring you to be true to yourself. But what if - up until now - the real you is self-centered, negative, hateful, lazy, unfocused, or otherwise flawed?
In fact, I know more than a few people who justify their erratic or ugly actions by saying they are being true to themselves.
"Being yourself" is not nearly high enough to aim.
Instead, I'd like to suggest that each of us needs to aspire to constantly strive to be a better person than we have been in the past. If I met the 20-year-old version of me, I would find him to be unfocused, undisciplined, and pretty ignorant.
"Being yourself" is little more than a crutch, until you set high standards for yourself.
"Being yourself" shouldn't be an excuse for not having the strength or persistence to keep pushing ahead.
I've written many times about the power of authenticity, and how the most attractive thing in the world is a person who is comfortable in his or her own skin. But my unstated assumption is that such people have already matured enough to understand that life is about helping others and being willing to work hard to for worthwhile endeavors.
"Being yourself" should never be an excuse for cruelty, selfishness, hatred, greed or heartlessness. It's not okay to be an authentic jerk; that sort of authenticity will only cause pain and suffering.
In truth, I know that authentic jerks will not be reading this article; they would never respond to my headline, and they lack the self-insight to consider the possibility that their way might not be the best way. If you've gotten this far, I know that YOU are a person who cares about others, who is persistent, and who is thoughtful.
To you I say: absolutely be yourself!
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Beware of strange men selling personal brands!
Lots of vendors want to help you "build a personal brand," but unless you have money to burn, chasing a personal brand could really hurt.
For one thing, most who go down this path confuse their job for their brand. Tax accountants want to be known as the "go-to tax accountant." Retail customer experience advisors want to be known as the "smartest customer experience consultant in the world". And so it goes.
Here's the truth: many of the professionals most in demand have never spent ten minutes mulling over the words "personal brand". These people are - pure and simple - authentically focused on helping others.
Go to a networking event, and 85% of the people there are trying to sell you whatever they came there to sell. The other 15% are fascinated by certain problems and opportunities. Their ears perk up when they hear about a fresh challenge. They are genuinely curious and excited.
These people don't sell, they serve. They are constantly in demand because - you guessed it - they serve, and they do it brilliantly.
If you want to be constantly in demand, you might want to take some of that energy you might otherwise invest in a "personal brand" and instead focus on the intersection of what you love to do and what you are very good at doing.
Spend as much time as possible within this space (what you love and what you're good at). Engage others in conversation, both in person and via social media. Ask questions, and listen carefully to their answers.
Instead of "branding" yourself, BE the person you want others to see. A brand is not something you write on your wall or at the top of your web site. It is the sum total of everything you do, say, and even think.
Above all else, remember this: your brand is not your current job. In five years, most people will have a new job. You can't swap your "brand" every time your job changes.
Just be yourself. Not the self who thinks you are your job. Be the self who is a person, not a job description.
Who do you trust?
It's not a rhetorical question. I'd appreciate it if you could pause for a moment—yes, right now—and think about your answer.
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My perception is that most of us answer that question with a much shorter list of people and institutions than ever before.
I don't.
One simple strategy has enabled me to expand the number of people that I trust:
Go deeper.
I spend increasing amounts of time with people who are willing to move far beyond the superficial conversations that occupy most of humanity. Both my clients and friends—in many cases, the two groups overlap—are not only willing, but also eager to go deep.
They crave substantive, genuine, honest conversations.
They want to talk about their fears, dreams and wild ideas. They long for the opportunity to reveal their genuine self and to still be accepted. (This is one definition of unconditional love, and it is a magical portion when you apply it much more widely than just in your primary and family relationships.)
There are two reasons I decided to go deeper.
The first is that this is what makes me happy.
The second is that this makes me feel safe and comfortable in a world that sometimes feels the opposite.
When you do deep with other people, you discover their genuine self.
You know what makes them laugh, cry, flee, move closer, become insecure or shift towards euphoria. You can anticipate how they are going to react. You have tested them with your most vulnerable truths, and they passed the test, again and again.
If any of this sounds appealing to you, I have one other suggestion to share.
The first step to going deeper is to ask deeper questions and to listen to each answer with patience and acceptance. Be ready to hear some things that startle you. Expect the unexpected.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to offer the other person 100% acceptance, no matter what they tell you.
This is how we build trust: to know both the best and the worst about each other, and to still accept the other person 100%.
Go deeper. It will enrich your life.
**
Be human, not perfect.
The Basic Idea: You make it far easier for people to relate to you and your insights when you share a genuine and open picture of yourself. (Translation: a lesson about your mistakes is likely to resonate far more than one about your wisdom.)
A Bit More Explanation: Are you familiar with the term “psychological safety”? It has come to be applied by many as referring to a corporate culture in which individuals feel comfortable displaying their genuine self at work. This has led me to create a two-part definition of what it means to be a genuine leader:
1. Being true to your own self in how you communicate and act at work.
2. Creating the conditions that not only allow—but also encourage—your employees to do the same.
To be a leader who is true to his or her own self—and to encourage others to do the same—requires a commitment to be genuine that extends from social media to personal interactions to performance measurement and compensation and finally to corporate culture itself.
This implies that being genuine is more important than any specific set of desired behaviors. As Wharton researcher Julianna Pillemer writes, “There may be clear organizational expectations for desired behaviors, and there’s a potential downside to acting in a way that’s actually genuine.”
Pillemer cites a consultant friend who perfectly encapsulated this challenge by saying, “Now not only do I have to deliver a perfectly polished presentation, but then go out for drinks with the client, seem like a really fun, genuine person, and tell them all about my life.”
The way out of this perceived trap revolves around a single word: to be genuine rather than to seem genuine.
It means being honest about your flaws as well as your strengths.
It means asking for help instead of simply trying to be the smartest person in the room.
For leaders, it means rewarding honesty and credibility rather than adherence to what a leader wants to hear.
One morning I made myself a bowl of oatmeal, poured an iced tea, and headed towards my home office. But I was already preoccupied with work and not really paying attention. My toe caught the edge of the second step. Wham! Oatmeal and tea splattered everywhere.
At 7:58:01 a.m. I was excited about a great new idea. At 7:58:31 I was mopping up a mess.
I wrote about this, of course, and that social media post did quite well. This is a trivial example, but it’s also the way life is. The one thing all human beings have in common is that we all make mistakes. Some of them are minor, and easily resolved. Others take years to clean up.
By sharing your mistakes, you come across as a genuine human being… and you make it easier for the people around you to also be open and honest.
So… when you mess up, admit it. Share it on social media.
I advise my clients to bring errors out of the shadows. Model behaviors that show others it’s about cutting ourselves a break, trying to get smarter, but also admitting that trial and error is the fundamental nature of our world. Much as business managers might try to engineer “faults” out of the system, that’s just not the way life works.
When all you do online is to “share wisdom,” you become two-dimensional… and appear less like a human being and more like a carefully curated caricature of yourself.
When you mess up, share it.
I am Bruce Kasanoff, an executive coach who can help you get what you want. Book a one-hour call with me and I’ll prove it.