While in a meeting several years ago, I saw the words "honesty without compassion is cruelty" posted above the other person's desk. It so struck me that I paused the conversation for a moment to absorb the intent.
People like to say that honesty is the best policy, and many segments of society are increasingly focused on getting at the truth. Schools are obsessed with standardized tests. Companies want better metrics to measure, well, everything. Nearly everyone is connected to everyone else... and these connections produce data that provide an honest picture of reality.
I'm worried that these honest snapshots of the truth could lead us to a far crueler world.
For example, think about the last couple of years and ask yourself whether our public discourse is getting kinder or harsher?
(I rest my case.)
In a civilized world, honesty and compassion need to go hand in hand. You must use honesty to help other people, not to hurt them. And you must be extremely cautious not to accidentally harm others.
When you meet up with a friend you haven't seen in a year, you wouldn't immediately say, "You are 17 pounds heaver than you were last year."
Why not?
Doing so would be tactless and cruel, so instead you say something like, "It is so great to see you again," while you might think to yourself that your friend looks a bit on the heavy side.
Technology allows us to gather massive amounts of data on human beings. If you take a test online, a system is theoretically capable of not only revealing how many answers you got correct, but also whether it took you more time (or less) to take the test versus others.
You don't need to know that you were slower than 42% of the people who took that test... and neither does anyone else.
If we are going to gather more data about our collective lives, we will also need to muster more compassion.
What can you do to move us in the right direction?
Be discreet. Resist the movement to document every aspect of your work or personal life. There are true advantages to preserving gray areas in which people can let their hair down and relax.
Be human. Recognize that humanity is more important than the absolute truth. Use facts to help another improve his or her life, rather than to do something that might destroy their life.
Be cautious. Recognize that the "truth" is always subjective. Each of us sees "facts" through a haze of beliefs, attitudes and experiences. No single test can judge the worth or potential of another human being.
Be generous. Ask more of yourself. The best skill is bringing out talent in others, so rather than judging others, do your best to help them.
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Are You a Compassionate Achiever?
Let me ask you this: are you favorably inclined to using the phrase "compassionate achiever" to describe you? Whether your answer is yes or no, I'd love to hear your initial reaction.
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"Achieving high level lasting success, whether it is climbing a professional ladder, living a life you are proud of, accomplishing a personal goal or effectively helping someone else do the same, is based upon finding meaning and purpose in your life."
So wrote Christopher Kukk in his 2017 book, The Compassionate Achiever.
He continued, "Studies in areas from political economics to psychology have shown that people who have a strong sense of meaning in their lives... whose lives are based on intrinsic values... attain high levels of success, and can sustain them for much longer than people whose lives are based on extrinsic values, which are direct personal benefit, such as money or status."
What's the best way to add more meaning to your life? Be more compassionate.
The phrase "compassionate achiever" has been in my mind thanks to a piece I published yesterday in my other LinkedIn newsletter, Distill the Real You. In Grounded Audacity, I wrote, "Grounded audacity means to have a bold and daring belief in yourself without being blinded by ego. It's about recognizing your own potential and acting on it, even when it seems irrational to others... but doing it with a sense of humility and awareness."
I hope you are still with me.
This week, I'm trying to connect two ideas that are seldom connected:
You can be more driven than most people, and still be grounded.
You can driven to achieve great things, and still be compassionate.
I have downloaded but not yet read The Compassionate Achiever, so I'm not sure that my sense of the term is the same as Christopher Kukk's.
My path to get here went a bit like this:
Occasional bouts of irrational confidence are responsible for my biggest achievements.
Wait... that makes me sound like a delusional egotist.
Irrational confidence is most useful in people who are not ego-driven, because it causes us to rise up and be bold when that's what is necessary to achieve something meaningful.
I especially love it when kind and compassionate people exhibit this sort of boldness and, well, audacity.
No matter. I just love that we can now have a conversation around how you feel about those two words—compassionate achiever—being used together.
Do any of these possible interpretations especially resonate with you?
An entrepreneur who puts compassion first.
A person who succeeds in their field while being kind and empathetic.
Someone who values helping others as part of their professional journey.
An audacious individual who makes the world a more compassionate place.
A professional who combines strong achievement with a caring attitude.
An individual who sees compassion as a key to personal and career growth.
A leader or team member who prioritizes emotional intelligence.
Someone who believes in ethical success and social responsibility.
A person who integrates generosity and understanding into their work ethic.
A professional who fosters positive relationships in their workplace.
An achiever who also acts as a mentor or guide to others.
A role model for balancing professional excellence with human kindness.
Someone who challenges traditional notions of cut-throat competitiveness.
A believer in the power of empathy to enhance workplace dynamics.
A career-oriented individual who also champions community and social causes.
A person who thrives in their career without sacrificing their moral values.
An individual who leverages their success to make a positive impact on others.
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Be Generous
We all know someone like Fred, a former colleague of mine. When we worked together, he wasn’t that helpful. When I was looking for consulting clients, he ignored all of my emails. But every time he needs a job - which is increasingly often - he tries to renew the friendship we never had.
It’s far too late to network with me, I’m always tempted to write back. But to be kind, I help him a little. It’s hard to help him too much, because he doesn’t live by many of the principles I am urging you to adopt.
If you want to have a rewarding life, be a good networker, or accomplish anything… invest your time in helping other people. Think less about the people who can help you, and more about the people you can best help.
Six degrees of separation is an accurate way to summarize how we all are closely connected. That rumpled, seemingly confused, older person in front of you in line might actually be the father of a famous movie executive, CEO, or politician. He might know your soul mate, and introduce you. He might be the wisest and most gracious person you ever meet, once you help him instead of resent that he is “slowing you down.”
Look for connections that others miss. My wife, Kate, is superb at this. Many years ago, she made friends on her daily train commute into Manhattan with a quiet engineer. A few years later, another friend was talking about her sister, and how the family didn’t like her boyfriend. But the sister was always attracted to a certain type of guy, quiet but interesting... a light bulb went off in Kate’s head. The engineer and the sister should meet! Kate introduced them, one thing led to another, and she was thrilled to be invited to the ceremony when they married.
Being generous isn’t simply about work and business connections. It’s about who you are, and how you want to live. A few years ago, driving to lunch, I heard President Obama speaking from Staten Island, where he went to see the recovery efforts from Hurricane Sandy. He spoke to the Moore family who tragically lost two sons in the storm. This is part of what he said afterwards about them:
They, in particular, mentioned Lieutenant Kevin Gallagher of the NYPD, who, when they knew that their sons were missing, Lieutenant Gallagher made a point of staying with them and doing everything he could so they ultimately knew what had happened with their boys and were able to recover their bodies and has been with them as a source of support ever since. That’s not in the job description of Lieutenant Gallagher. He did that because that’s what so many of our first responders do. They go above and beyond the call of duty to respond to people in need. So I want to give a shout out to Lieutenant Gallagher. But I also want to point out, the Moores, even in their grief, asked me to mention Lieutenant Gallagher and that says something about them as well.
It’s easy to be slightly or occasionally generous. Doing so does not require much sacrifice. But it’s difficult to be generous in a meaningful manner. That requires canceling plans, going without things that you want, putting in extra effort when you don’t have much energy left.
The people who aren’t generous, who don’t make sacrifices for others, they operate under a misconception. They think that giving is a cost. Not true. Giving is a benefit, to you. Giving makes you feel better. Helping others in a meaningful way will light up your life. It will sustain you. You don’t just lose the time and money you invested in someone else. You also increase your sense of meaning, purpose and joy.
Being Generous Despite Yourself
I’m pretty good at setting my mind to get the things I want, which is a nice way of saying I can slip into mindsets that make me more concerned with what I want than what other people need.
Shortly after moving to my town, it occurred to me that I wasn’t doing anything to help others in my community. Knowing my tendency to focus on what I want, I volunteered to run for one of the boards in town, and ended up getting elected to the planning and zoning commission. For four years, I was committed to helping others. This took generosity out of the realm of daily decisions and made it a single decision I lived with for nearly half a decade. In other words, I acknowledged my own nature and forced my own hand.
Generosity comes in many forms: donating to charity, helping a colleague, picking up a friend’s kids because you know she is overwhelmed, giving advice or an introduction to job seekers.
Generosity is not a new virtue, but its role in our social media influenced world may be evolving. We all are learning to navigate a world that is less structured and more volatile. We depend more on seemingly random introductions and connections; we can rely less on finding an employer and working there for a few decades.
I am Bruce Kasanoff, an executive coach who can help you get what you want. Book a one-hour call with me and I’ll prove it.